Down

I have to see my Mom. She’s my best friend and she isn’t here. She has not been here for months.

It is crippling my imagination. It makes it sometimes impossible to even think of what I want to write let alone sit with my erasable pen and my notebook, pick a topic and write. I have pieces that I have not published.

What I really want to do is save up money to sign up for that Master Class app/site. I want to listen and watch Neil Gaiman and Margaret Atwood and absorb everything they have to teach me. This is honestly what I want more than anything.

I did fall off my diet, but I have been steering more into the healthy eating lane. I am trying to make it so that one day a week I get a cheat day. I am training my body to like healthy foods and more protein so that I can cleanse the sugar I eat from my cheat day. I am so used to having a treat every day. I let myself have fast food once a month.

The last fast food I had was Arby’s. I had a crispy chicken sandwich with curly fries, a cherry turnover, one of each of their cookies, and a Sprite. It was wonderful. I think the next time I get to have my fast food day (February 8th) I will get the same only both kinds of turnovers along with the cookies. I will share with my daughter some of it because I really can’t eat all of that myself. (Don’t worry, she only gets fast food the same day I get fast food.)

I have not been exercising either. I am going to change that tomorrow. I have a new machine I can use to help me work out at home.

I need to be as healthy as I can be for my sanity.

The Weight Part Three

I have gained back the weight I lost, but I have not gained more than that.

Life put a wrench in my diet. The kid is home due to covid. She will be returning soon.

I eat more junk than I should, but I don’t eat just junk food.

I am still a big stress eater.

I haven’t been working out much either. The depression over my Mom not being here makes it hard to exert myself.

Today Lexi and I took a walk for the first time in a while. It felt good and I need to do this more.

Some people don’t understand how much depression takes your energy.

The Weight: Part One

I was doing well for a few weeks. Eating as healthy as I could, staying away from full-calorie soda (which I still am, I have diet soda now), but when my Dad told me that my Mom thinks she’s going to die, I binged. For a couple of days.

I haven’t lost anything. I thought I lost four pounds but the scale keeps saying I gained them back.

I did start exercising though. I have that step machine where I can sit down and work my legs, butt and abs while I watch tv. I’ll probably bring it out when I’m done writing this. I’m watching “Good Omens” again to recap. I’m so excited for the new season.

I’m not going to say “fuck it” and go back to binging whenever I want and not caring how much I put on or keep myself from losing. Everybody relapses at the beginning of detoxing yourself from the thing you are addicted to, so there is no point in me giving up. At least if I decrease my binge to maybe twice a month then cut back to once then maybe I’ll wein myself off of it for good. Food and full calorie soda are what I am addicted to the most.

This is like being a heron addict and not being able to quit cold turkey because your body needs heroin to live. That’s the best way I can put it.

So, tomorrow is another day and I’ll go on eating healthy. I actually am getting used to it and my body is starting to feel better even though I’m depressed because my Mom is still in the hospital and I haven’t seen her for about two months. I really need to go see her. It will be good for the both of us.

This is one of the hardest things I have had to go through and I am not having my diet be mostly rubbish. I need nourishment to help keep me sane.