Down

I have to see my Mom. She’s my best friend and she isn’t here. She has not been here for months.

It is crippling my imagination. It makes it sometimes impossible to even think of what I want to write let alone sit with my erasable pen and my notebook, pick a topic and write. I have pieces that I have not published.

What I really want to do is save up money to sign up for that Master Class app/site. I want to listen and watch Neil Gaiman and Margaret Atwood and absorb everything they have to teach me. This is honestly what I want more than anything.

I did fall off my diet, but I have been steering more into the healthy eating lane. I am trying to make it so that one day a week I get a cheat day. I am training my body to like healthy foods and more protein so that I can cleanse the sugar I eat from my cheat day. I am so used to having a treat every day. I let myself have fast food once a month.

The last fast food I had was Arby’s. I had a crispy chicken sandwich with curly fries, a cherry turnover, one of each of their cookies, and a Sprite. It was wonderful. I think the next time I get to have my fast food day (February 8th) I will get the same only both kinds of turnovers along with the cookies. I will share with my daughter some of it because I really can’t eat all of that myself. (Don’t worry, she only gets fast food the same day I get fast food.)

I have not been exercising either. I am going to change that tomorrow. I have a new machine I can use to help me work out at home.

I need to be as healthy as I can be for my sanity.

This is something I posted as a comment (discussing my mental illness)

This is a YouTube comment I left in someone’s comment section. It’s not proofread and it’s about my schizophrenia. My diagnosis is real unlike trisha paytas’s.

I am an actual schizo and every single time I started hearing voices, I went straight to the hospital.  The first time I went I was put on ambien (which causes blackouts) because my insomnia was so bad and my daughter s father was putting me through so much abuse I lost it on the MySpace blogs for the whole world to see and the people who I thought were my friends thought it would be fun to see if they could take it up a notch, make me feel more crazy. That’s when I realized that I was having actual auditory hallucinations and my family said my behavior was scaring them.  I had a brief moment of clarity and realized I had to be in a psyche ward NOW.  Lots of fucked up stuff happened while I  was in and out of the psyche ward trying to find a medication that would stop the voices. I finally found one in 2016 and I haven’t had voices since. My first move was to say “holy shit, I need to get off social media for a while so I can start dealing with this new normal” only to find out my so called MySpace friends were going around laughingly at what I was going through in my absence.  They went so far as to make a fake profile of me, steal my pictures and pretended to be me whenever they knew I was in the psyche ward. They tried to ruin my reputation because I have a real talent for writing and hoped that they could destroy my reputation because they were so fucking GREEN with envy.  They tried to move the drama to Facebook but by that time I was stable for the most part and REALLY FUCKING PISSED.i let them all have it. They tried to drag the drama on MySpace to Facebook and it didn’t work.  All they did was expose themselves as the pathetic jealous attention seeking sloths that they are. People tried to cancel me waaaay before cancel culture even existed. Guess what?  I’m still here, I make new connections and more fans as I go, and all they have are their circle jerks about how they were famous on the MySpace blogs for 15 minutes.  Most of those people are old enough to be tana mogeou s grandparents by now.   The thirst for being famous for doing practically nothing is ruining not just people but kids and whole families.  I thought the attention whoring was bad back then, now that attention whoring can be monitized thanks to the Kardashian’s et all so many ppl want to quit their 9-5 and be an I fluencer. Thanks for nothing Logan paul.

#StephenBear Does Not Get to Play the Mental Health Card

As someone with an actual diagnosis, Stephen Bear does NOT get to play the mental illness card here. At no point in my life before or after my diagnosis would I ever think it would be OK to leak revenge porn. I literally have heard voices clear as day (I have not had hallucinations since 2016), at no point have I ever been racist or decided it would be a good idea to post a sex tape to only fans and make thousands of dollars off of such an intimate moment without the consent of the other person (or persons-what can I say, I was wild in my 20’s).

I am so beyond fed up with hearing “they obviously need help” when a person does something really shitty. Morals and ethics have nothing to do with one’s mental health. You are taught morals and ethics just like you can only be taught to be racist or sexist or abelist etc. You either have been taught or you taught yourself.

Having said that, I want to include some links that would be helpful to people with a mental illness or anyone who feels they’re going to lose it because of covid:

https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/helping-a-loved-one-cope-with-a-mental-illness

https://www.nami.org/Support-Education

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

Why I Love “The Challenge”

The main reason I have grown to love this show, especially since 2008, is because it is one of the best ways I use to escape my reality, or at least take my mind off of the worries and stress that accompanies my life.

A lot of traumatic things have happened to me in my life, one of them being that while I was pregnant my daughter’s father cheated on me with five different women and showed no remorse for it. He had been pretty abusive already, but there were a few months where he was a good boyfriend to me after we had our kid. I thought he was changing. I was wrong.

I was also diagnosed with skitzoaffective disorder during the most violent and dramatic times in my life, the time when I had to put a restraining order against my daughter’s father because he kept threatening to take my daughter, attacked me to the point that I now have a fracture in my skull, and threatened violence against my own father. Cops had to be there while he picked up the rest of his stuff from my parent’s house because the restraining order was still active. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel a sense of smugness about the fact that he had to pick up his stuff with police supervision in front of my entire neighborhood. (Ladies, if a man puts his hands on you the way he did, he’s going to do it again. It doesn’t matter how much he kisses your ass afterwards: kick his ass to the fucking curb.)

The Challenge really helped me during that time of my life, and it continues to help me cope with my skitzoaffective disorder and my rocky relationship with my kid’s father. I think he knows better not to fuck with me ever again. Watching these people go through such trying situations on this show makes my own struggle a little easier to bare.