The Weight: Part Two

Since I have started exercising with this little step machine I bought off of Amazon while watching what I eat, I have lost weight. I was 260 when I started, and I am now 253.4. I exercise as much as I can. My bones and joints are not very happy with me at the moment, but I expected it to hurt more than the last time I tried to work out to lose weight. That was in 2012 or somewhere like that. A long time ago. Too long. I had no results back then so I gave up. I can’t even lie about that.

I watched the special on Youtube about Will Smith getting in shape while he wrote his autobiography.

It turns out that my Grandfather and his father should have gotten together and gone bowling. The same evil temper when they drink. Will saw his father punch his mother in the face so hard that she spat out blood. My father had to watch my grandmother get hit by my grandfather. My dad would get horrible migraines when he had to live in that house. It was so bad that he dropped out in his senior year of high school and joined the army. After that, my dad told me, the migraines went away.

My dad never hit me or my mom or sister. He hit everything else. Anything he could get his hands on he would break in the middle of his drunken stupor. I was absent from school way more than I should be because I couldn’t mentally deal with being forced to be up all night listening to my dad and mom screaming at each other and then go to school like nothing happened, only to be bullied to the brink of suicide at school up until 10th grade, which is when I lost weight. I had no safe place for so long, only to run into another male who abused me way worse than my father ever did.

I let him put his hands on me once. Right in front of our daughter. I told him that I don’t care about jail and that if he ever put his hands on me again I’d kill him. He has been pretty much out of her life ever since.

I broke the cycle of abuse just like Will Smith did. I may have an older sister, but I gave birth to my dad’s first grandbaby. I broke the cycle before my sister could (she had my nephew a few years after I had my daughter).

When it was the early stages of my mom being in the hospital, one time my dad was verbally abusing me so much that I snapped and had to call 911 and tell him if this ever happens again I am calling the cops every single time, that what he was doing to me was abuse. The cops reassured me that he could not legally kick me out of the house.

When I said that if I ever one day got my wish and had a daughter and make her childhood 10x better than mine ever was, I fucking meant it. I can deal with being functionally dysfunctional, but I will never put up with abuse of any kind.

Those who do not take that seriously will suffer the repercussions.

The Phoenix Act

Your Abuser Wants You to Fail. They Feed Off of Your Misery.

If I have to chose between Shane Dawson and Franchesca Ramsey, I am choosing Fran.

If I have to chose between Rachel Oates and her ex boyfriend, I am choosing Rachel.

If I have to chose between Megan Tonjes and her attacker, I am choosing Megan.

If I have to chose between Angelina from Jersey Shore and the people who assaulted her at her job, I am choosing Angelina.

If I have to chose between Rhianna and Chris Brown, I am choosing Rhianna.

If I have to chose between Rose McGowan and Harvey Weinstein, I am choosing Rose.

If I have to chose between Matthew Santoro and Nicole Arbour, I am choosing Matthew.

If I have to chose between my ex best friend and the monsters that were her co-workers who sexually harassed her the entire time they knew her younger sister was about to go through open heart surgery, I’m picking my ex best friend.

If I have to chose between my ex boyfriend and the women who constantly sexually harassed him during the entire time he was in the same 0utpatient therapy program up until I joined, confronted them and put a stop to it, wild guess as to whom I am choosing.

I want to make it perfectly clear that I am speaking only for myself as a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence.

Here are some domestic violence and sexual assault sites to check out:

thehotline.org

victimconnect.org

loveislouder.org

The #Onision Documentary on Discovery +: Part 1 ***UPDATED***

***I spell schizoaffective disorder “skitzoaffective disorder” because my nickname on Myspace was Trixie McBimbo, and my friends nicknamed me Skitzie McBimbo because that’s funny. The hospital I have been to many times for audio hallucinations even lets me spell it that way because I told them the origin story of why I spell it wrong. Sorry not sorry that I dare to have a sense of humor about my mental illness instead of weaponizing it and sorry not sorry that I refuse to use it to go sadfishing.***

1/5/21 4:21pm

I signed up for the free trial of Discovery +. I don’t know if this will be shown on a daily basis or on a weekly basis. I am honestly right now watching it because I wanted to see Shiloh’s interview. I’m going to go straight to her part and then update this when I am able to. As a woman who also finally got out of an abusive relationship just like Shiloh did: bringing your abuser to some sort of justice or even just coming out with your story is scary as hell. I don’t particularly like a lot of Shiloh’s actions (I think that she doesn’t realize that sometimes she leans more on becoming the abuser having been abused herself, and she apparently scammed a few people on the fundraisers dedicated to her-I spoke to one doner directly), but I respect her. Coming out takes a lot of guts.

I know what it is like to deal with an ex who is so narcissistic that they will do anything to drag your character through the mud in order to keep up the fake upstanding reputation they have constructed for themselves in their own head. I know what it is like to deal with your abuser trying to defame you by pointing out any bad episodes you have had due to your mental illness while being so oblivious to the fact that their abuse is the reason your illness was aggravated in the first place. As survivors, we have a few things in common.

I do not condone weaponizing suicide as a means to hurt someone, I know what it’s like to be that desperate to get out of a relationship so badly that you are capable of weaponizing it in the first place. Shiloh once tried to emotionally blackmail myself and another Youtuber by the name of Edwin’s Generation (who is also in the Discovery documentary). I have faith that Shiloh will stop that behavior through the help of therapy and/or medication. I myself am on medication due to the fact that I have skitzoaffective disorder bi-polar type and I also see a therapist once a week for it. Those two things and taking breaks off of the internet has been very helpful for me, and I hope she finds a healthy routine that helps her deal with her trauma and post traumatic stress.

I am going to watch the Shiloh interview first and then I am going to make another post based off of what I saw from the interview and the whole episode.

This is not me cashing in on Onision. This is me spreading awareness. Women have to stick together in situations such as these because men will always stick together. It has been proven to me time and time again.

No second chance

I see a lot of gender reveal parties and I watch my favorite reality show, Jersey Shore. I am so happy that cast members are starting families. I am happy for them.

I thought a long time ago I was fine with the fact that I cannot have another child. ‘Due to my mental illness, I can’t risk it.

It weighs on me sometimes, because my daughter was raised around domestic violence. I still can see my baby Lexi, screaming and crying, like it was yesterday.

I got him out asap. If he ever tries anything again, the restraining order will stick this time.

I don’t really think I have to worry because he only wants to come visit for the fun stuff. He doesn’t know the day by day routine. It would be a disaster if we had joint custody.

So I have full residential and physical custody.

I have custody, and I have a mental illness.

That scares me.

Would he ever use it against me?

Would you?