Down

I have to see my Mom. She’s my best friend and she isn’t here. She has not been here for months.

It is crippling my imagination. It makes it sometimes impossible to even think of what I want to write let alone sit with my erasable pen and my notebook, pick a topic and write. I have pieces that I have not published.

What I really want to do is save up money to sign up for that Master Class app/site. I want to listen and watch Neil Gaiman and Margaret Atwood and absorb everything they have to teach me. This is honestly what I want more than anything.

I did fall off my diet, but I have been steering more into the healthy eating lane. I am trying to make it so that one day a week I get a cheat day. I am training my body to like healthy foods and more protein so that I can cleanse the sugar I eat from my cheat day. I am so used to having a treat every day. I let myself have fast food once a month.

The last fast food I had was Arby’s. I had a crispy chicken sandwich with curly fries, a cherry turnover, one of each of their cookies, and a Sprite. It was wonderful. I think the next time I get to have my fast food day (February 8th) I will get the same only both kinds of turnovers along with the cookies. I will share with my daughter some of it because I really can’t eat all of that myself. (Don’t worry, she only gets fast food the same day I get fast food.)

I have not been exercising either. I am going to change that tomorrow. I have a new machine I can use to help me work out at home.

I need to be as healthy as I can be for my sanity.

The Weight: Part One

I was doing well for a few weeks. Eating as healthy as I could, staying away from full-calorie soda (which I still am, I have diet soda now), but when my Dad told me that my Mom thinks she’s going to die, I binged. For a couple of days.

I haven’t lost anything. I thought I lost four pounds but the scale keeps saying I gained them back.

I did start exercising though. I have that step machine where I can sit down and work my legs, butt and abs while I watch tv. I’ll probably bring it out when I’m done writing this. I’m watching “Good Omens” again to recap. I’m so excited for the new season.

I’m not going to say “fuck it” and go back to binging whenever I want and not caring how much I put on or keep myself from losing. Everybody relapses at the beginning of detoxing yourself from the thing you are addicted to, so there is no point in me giving up. At least if I decrease my binge to maybe twice a month then cut back to once then maybe I’ll wein myself off of it for good. Food and full calorie soda are what I am addicted to the most.

This is like being a heron addict and not being able to quit cold turkey because your body needs heroin to live. That’s the best way I can put it.

So, tomorrow is another day and I’ll go on eating healthy. I actually am getting used to it and my body is starting to feel better even though I’m depressed because my Mom is still in the hospital and I haven’t seen her for about two months. I really need to go see her. It will be good for the both of us.

This is one of the hardest things I have had to go through and I am not having my diet be mostly rubbish. I need nourishment to help keep me sane.

The Weight. A Prequel.

I’m not going to lie about my weight. I am 5’6 and right now 256 pounds.

About two weeks ago, I was 260. I cut out full-calorie soda, switched to sparkling water, low-calorie orange juice, non-fat milk, light mayo, whole-grain bread/buns, and fat-free yogurt. I cut down on fast food to once a week (in the form of Chucky Cheese pizza).

I started eating grapes. If I wanted chocolate, I ate low-fat chocolate pudding. I eat either a big piece of salmon and a salad with low or no-calorie dressing or a veggie burger with salad and low-calorie dressing for dinner. For breakfast, I have two packets of oatmeal or yogurt with granola that has protein added. I try to eat as much fresh veg and fruit as I can.

For snacks, I like a bit of cheese and nuts, hummus with pita chips, more fat-free yogurt with low/no fat granola. I like grapes because it really helps with the whole not stuffing myself with chocolate. I have had six reeses peanut butter cups in these two weeks. Normally I would have two of them or some other serving of chocolate every day. I have had two 1/4 cups of ice cream in these two weeks. Normally I would have that every day. I haven’t had the chance yet, but I am going to switch to having brown rice with my Chinese food instead of white.

Pizza is a big vice for me. Little Caesar’s to be specfic. I just had two slices of that for dinner and some diet coke today. I will let my Dad and/or daughter eat the rest of it. I am also not the type of person who has one cheat day a week: I like having a treat a couple of times a day. I’ve watched people who really hit the gym and eat healthy six days out of the week and then stuff themselves on the seventh. This method never works for me. If I crave something that bad, I just stop myself from binging it.

Binging and emotional eating have always been my downfall, along with full-calorie soda. Oh my GOD do I love soda. I have been watching UK reality tv shows about dieting and losing weight on Youtube lately. I found out that withdrawing from too much fat, sugar, and salt in your diet is like quitting cocaine cold turkey, especially if you are withdrawing from sugar. Chocolate and cheese have opiates in them (which I have known for a long time) and I crave them both. Honestly, the grapes and snack pack pudding cups are a big help from me not diving headfirst into a big bowl of ice cream.

I was really unhealthy during the various Covid lockdowns in the past year. I would sit watching tv with a chocolate pie in my lap. I never could eat one all at once, but I was gluttonous. I ate way too much fast food. I was eating it as well as naughty sweets to numb myself from the stress of homeschooling.

When my Mom would up in the hospital, it was a wake-up call for me. I really needed to stop all of that stress eating and knock it off once and for all. I am already taking enough medications for my diagnosis, I don’t want to add type 2 diabetes and/or heart medication on top of it. I have to get healthy not just for me but for my daughter, my mom, and my dad. They need me. As much as they can drive me crazy: they need me.

Getting Healthy: Week One

I started ordering healthy groceries almost a month ago. My goal is to lose weight through dieting and then start adding exercise. I don’t want to hurt my joints when I have so much excess weight.

My diet so far:

• Grilled white chicken breast (to add to salad)
• salmon
• kale salad (i’ve never had kale but i got the sweet kale salad mix)
• hummus with pita chips
• fresh fruit (grapes, bananas, apples)
• berries
• mixed frozen vegetables (as a side for salmon)
• yogurt (mostly fat free)
• granola (to add to yogurt)
• oatmeal (the fruit and cream variety pack)
• sweet potato fries
• fat free or low-fat yogurt
• granola (for my yogurt)
• flavored seltzer instead of pepsi
• flavored rice cakes (those are more for my daughter to have instead of chips)
• pre-measured cheese/cracker/nuts/cold cuts and/or fruit/dried fruit snack packs

The only thing I need to change now is whole wheat bread instead of white bread. My dad usually buys cold cuts for sandwiches but he likes the white bread.

I still get treats, I can’t eat healthy 24/7 right now, but so far i’m pretty much on 80% healthy 20% treats diet.

What I need to work on is my binge eating. I am trying to binge with healthy foods instead of junk.

I am also doing my best to avoid fast food and food that is too processed.

I am not a big fan of green leafy vegetables but I am trying to make myself eat them because I have to.

I am doing this because I am showing signs of type 2 diabetes. My dad has it, and I don’t want it.

I’m going to work hard to change my diet around so that I don’t have to worry about taking medication for it.

If you would like to donate to help me with my groceries, feel free to use my cash app: $k8bbw. I have freelance work but it is not always as lucrative as I would like it to be. You can also support me on kofi on my twitter profile @batiekear.

I don’t make enough money through ads from this blog yet, so every bit helps.