No second chance

I see a lot of gender reveal parties and I watch my favorite reality show, Jersey Shore. I am so happy that cast members are starting families. I am happy for them.

I thought a long time ago I was fine with the fact that I cannot have another child. ‘Due to my mental illness, I can’t risk it.

It weighs on me sometimes, because my daughter was raised around domestic violence. I still can see my baby Lexi, screaming and crying, like it was yesterday.

I got him out asap. If he ever tries anything again, the restraining order will stick this time.

I don’t really think I have to worry because he only wants to come visit for the fun stuff. He doesn’t know the day by day routine. It would be a disaster if we had joint custody.

So I have full residential and physical custody.

I have custody, and I have a mental illness.

That scares me.

Would he ever use it against me?

Would you?

Another Lockdown?

Thankfully my kid’s school is not closed again. It sucked when she was home schooled. She loves her school so much.

“The Challenge” and Pamprin Weekend

I spent all day today in Lexi’s bed watching “The Challenge” with her on my Chrome book. I feel bad for her because she’s getting mood swings and that usually means one thing. It is the same thing I am suffering from right now, as I do every month. The first two days for me I feel like I should put crime scene tape on me instead of a belt. Ever see the blood tidal wave scene in “The Shining”? That is what it feels like. I am overexaggerating: it isn’t that bad literally. It sure does feel that way though.

Another thing that sucks because of Covid: I have no idea when there will be a new season of “The Challenge”. It’s a big part of my routine and I don’t like my routine getting messed up because of my schizophrenia. My movies and my TV shows help me cope a lot. I hated having to give up Netflix because of that damn “Cuties” movie. I will however re-subscribe for every new season of “Ratched”. Sarah Poulson is so good.

I also am wishing I could have another TV series or miniseries with Natalie Dormer, but the only two she’s been in is “Picnic at Hanging Rock” and “Penny Dreadful: City of Angels”, which I have both watched.

(Tangent, there is a book called Penny Dreadful by Wil Christopher Baer that is part of a “Phineas Poe” trilogy that is really good. Read “Kiss me, Judas” first, then Penny, then “Hell’s Half Acre”. It’s a very noir trilogy if you’re into noir. Will Christopher Baer is one of my favorite writers because of those books. He was supposed to come out with a new book, “Godspeed” that he was working on but nobody knows whether or not it will see the light of day.)

I am really hoping she does another voice performance like she did in “Neverwhere”.

I also keep forgetting that she’s almost a year older than I am. I always thought she was younger.

Covid Can Make You Lonely

I hate that because of this I missed seeing my Grandmother when she turned 100 years old.

I hate that I don’t know when I will ever get the chance to see my best friend’s daughter while she is still a baby.

I don’t know what to think anymore and I don’t know if anything I am writing during this is any good.

I want all of this death to go away. I want the aftermath to go away.

Unless people stop being selfish, who knows when I can go on a proper vacation.

I feel frozen and I do not know when I will be able to continue moving forward or if I am going to make any progress as a person.

I just want to see my daughter progress. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I live day to day as if I were in prison. I think most poor people like me feel that way. I wish there weren’t so many people becoming destitute because of this.

Welcome

I am done pretending I don’t miss blogging. It has gotten me through a lot of bad times, and the older I get, the more I look back at my life. I want to share again. I think this will help me a lot.