I wish this was all just a nightmare.
I’m not going to lie about my weight. I am 5’6 and right now 256 pounds.
About two weeks ago, I was 260. I cut out full-calorie soda, switched to sparkling water, low-calorie orange juice, non-fat milk, light mayo, whole-grain bread/buns, and fat-free yogurt. I cut down on fast food to once a week (in the form of Chucky Cheese pizza).
I started eating grapes. If I wanted chocolate, I ate low-fat chocolate pudding. I eat either a big piece of salmon and a salad with low or no-calorie dressing or a veggie burger with salad and low-calorie dressing for dinner. For breakfast, I have two packets of oatmeal or yogurt with granola that has protein added. I try to eat as much fresh veg and fruit as I can.
For snacks, I like a bit of cheese and nuts, hummus with pita chips, more fat-free yogurt with low/no fat granola. I like grapes because it really helps with the whole not stuffing myself with chocolate. I have had six reeses peanut butter cups in these two weeks. Normally I would have two of them or some other serving of chocolate every day. I have had two 1/4 cups of ice cream in these two weeks. Normally I would have that every day. I haven’t had the chance yet, but I am going to switch to having brown rice with my Chinese food instead of white.
Pizza is a big vice for me. Little Caesar’s to be specfic. I just had two slices of that for dinner and some diet coke today. I will let my Dad and/or daughter eat the rest of it. I am also not the type of person who has one cheat day a week: I like having a treat a couple of times a day. I’ve watched people who really hit the gym and eat healthy six days out of the week and then stuff themselves on the seventh. This method never works for me. If I crave something that bad, I just stop myself from binging it.
Binging and emotional eating have always been my downfall, along with full-calorie soda. Oh my GOD do I love soda. I have been watching UK reality tv shows about dieting and losing weight on Youtube lately. I found out that withdrawing from too much fat, sugar, and salt in your diet is like quitting cocaine cold turkey, especially if you are withdrawing from sugar. Chocolate and cheese have opiates in them (which I have known for a long time) and I crave them both. Honestly, the grapes and snack pack pudding cups are a big help from me not diving headfirst into a big bowl of ice cream.
I was really unhealthy during the various Covid lockdowns in the past year. I would sit watching tv with a chocolate pie in my lap. I never could eat one all at once, but I was gluttonous. I ate way too much fast food. I was eating it as well as naughty sweets to numb myself from the stress of homeschooling.
When my Mom would up in the hospital, it was a wake-up call for me. I really needed to stop all of that stress eating and knock it off once and for all. I am already taking enough medications for my diagnosis, I don’t want to add type 2 diabetes and/or heart medication on top of it. I have to get healthy not just for me but for my daughter, my mom, and my dad. They need me. As much as they can drive me crazy: they need me.
I watch Gone Girl, I listen to the audio book, and a part of me finds comfort in it. It sounds insane, and I don’t blame you for thinking it is.
As a survivor of domestic violence, that part of me that is scarred and will always be scarred, takes pleasure in it.
Not that I would do anything like Amy Dunne did, of course. I may have a sadistic streak, but I’m not psychotic.
It’s the torture that I crave when watch Ben Affleck, it’s the torture I listen to from Nick’s part of the audio book.
I know this has been said from a lot of women about this book, this movie: the girl got her revenge, she got away with it, the villain was a girl and she got away with it. As a survivor it is fucking delicious.
Amy was a villain, but I think I could give her a run for her money. There were times when I felt inspired by the Saw movies when it came to my ex. I could make Amy look like Sally Field. When Midsommar, the ultimate break-up movie, was a fucking walk in the park compared to my day dreams.
Everything I am going through with my Mom being put into a nursing home. I think it will be therapeutic and might spark discussions. It will be a good thing and hopefully I will start making enough money from this blog to have another supplemental income.
I’m going to call it “My New Normal”, because that’s what it is.
I’m going to let myself process this during the weekend and then I need to start planning.
You will be along for the ride.
I tried so hard to keep her out of one. We all did.
I feel like I lost my best friend.
I want to write a villain. A female villain. And I want to make you like her.